Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Fluorinated Water and Coconut Oil

So these people call because their mean outdoor cat got in another fight and has an abscess again. They were just here! Oh wait, that was a year ago. For the same problem. They come in stinking of cigarette smoke and unwashed clothes and the cat is already hissing.

My nurse goes into the room. "Hi, How's Fluffy doing today?"

"Well, he's okay, but see I can't pet the cat, only he can pet the cat." "Yeah, only I can pet the cat but only when he wants to be pet. You see, he is outdoor mostly, he came to us as a stray and only lets me pet him. Sometimes."  "Yes, I'm the only one that..."  A further 10 minutes of this conversation ensues while my nurse walks out of the room without having any of her questions answered.

I walk in. "Hi I'm Dr. M. So, he got in a fight again? How long ago was it?"

"Oh, a week maybe. But it just closed," the woman says, "because I put coconut oil on it!" She looks like a washed up hooker from the 80s. "Have you ever tried coconut oil?"

"Um no. So we need to drain the abscess, and we are going to have to sedate him. I'm also going to give him an antibiotic injection."

The husband says, "Ok."  The wife says."Ok. Will he get a cone? Because he got one last time, I remember. You know, I stopped drinking fluorinated water 20 years ago, and my memory is better than ever." She then gives me a knowing smile and nods.

"I've been drinking fluorinated water my whole life." ::and I think to myself, 'and which one of us is the doctor in this room?'::

She says, "Oh, well have you seen the latest research out of Europe?"

"Um, no I haven't. So-"

"Well you should look, very interesting stuff, fluorinated water is very bad for you, you should stop drinking it. Your memory will improve."

"Ok, I'll think about it. Meanwhile, let's fix this abscess."

I have to leave the room while she is still talking because she just won't stop no matter what signals I try to give her, such as changing the subject, standing up, opening the door, and walking out.

We sedate the cat and lance the abscess. He wakes up. I go out to the lobby to tell the owners that he is awake and all went fine. "So," I say, "you're going to need to keep the hole open for the next day or two so it keeps draining."

The husband begins nodding his head in understanding. The wife says, "Ok, so should I put coconut oil on it?"

I start to shake my head and say no when she immediately asks "How about hydrogen peroxide?"

I say no, and that H2O2 kills healthy cells plus it burns. The husband says, "Yeah, you don't use hydrogen peroxide," whereby the wife interrupts immediately and says "Let her talk!"

I continue explaining that they will need to allow the abscess to drain and the husband nods in understanding. The wife stares at me confusedly and asks me if he's going to have an e-collar. I tell her no, he doesn't need one this time. She says, "But he had one last time! I remember!"

"Last time," I say, my patience running thin by this point, "he had a drain which he could have pulled out. He didn't need a drain this time, I just need you to keep the area clean and keep it open to drain." (Admittedly, too many uses of the word 'drain' for her addled brain).

Then she says, "Oh! I know! I'll put coconut oil on it, that'll close it right up!"

I sigh as the husband tells her that no, we want to leave it open and she tells him to Let me Speak! again. I just look at her for a moment resignedly. "Ok, what are we supposed to do again?" She asks.

"Would you like me to write it down for you?" I ask. She nods, apparently forgetting that her memory is killer now that she stopped drinking the fluorinated water.

I go sit down at a computer and type instructions, while drinking a glass of [fluorinated] water.