Owners Say the Darndest Things

What follows are real conversation snippets between owners and myself.


"She's had these breast tumors for about 6 months. Is it cancer?"
Me: "Well I can't tell just by looking."
(incredulous) "You can't???"

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Me: "So has there been any vomiting?"
Owner:  "No..."
--> Dog vomits right into owners hand.
Me: "Hahahahahaha!"

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"There was a giant pus-ball back there this morning!"
Me: "How big was it?"
"Oh about...... (owner mimes approximately 2 mm.)

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Me: "Are you breeding him, what's with the testicles?"
Owner: "Uh, haha no, uh we're not breeding him. We're starting to think about, ahh, having them, umm... I can't say it!"

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--> I just explained why I want to give a cat a B12 injection.
Me: "It's not going to hurt her, and it might benefit her so I think it's worth a shot."
Owner: "No pun intended, right?"

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"What are you, like 18?"

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Owner: "He's been hanging out with this neighborhood cat, and this cat is like, street smart. I mean he knows not to cross the street. So I feel like Ed is safe with him, you know?"
Me: {face-palm}

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Owner: "She doesn't like people or other dogs, and doctors make me nervous so I'm going to wait outside until you're done."
Me: Ok, well let's talk about what vaccines she nee-"
Owner: "I don't care, I'm too anxious to sit here any more!" (throws leash of land shark at me and walks out)

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-->Grandma is never wrong. I am examining a dog for an ear infection.
Lady Owner: "There was this brown stuff on the inside of her ear this morning, but now its gone. What do you think it was?"
Me: "Was she shaking her head a lot?"
Lady: "Yes."
Me: "Well, she probably shook some gunk out of her ear and it got stuck on her hair."
Lady: "Well, I don't think that's what it was." (smiles in satisfaction that she is smarter than me)
Me: {benign smile}
Gentleman: "Now dear, she's the doctor. If you're not going to listen ... again.... then why are we here?"